Today, I got to have a nice look in the mirror.
Recently, I’ve been trying to be more aware of the types of people that trigger me, because usually those types of people can tell you a lot about yourself (unfortunately). It seems counter intuitive to think that the people that drive you nuts, or really pull a string in you, are reflecting something back at you and probably making you mad because you do similar things.
I don't like looking into the mirror either (metaphorically speaking), it's really not easy to do and it sucks to realize these things about yourself sometimes. The best part is that once you know these things, you get the opportunity to learn and grow from it, to start and continue becoming the best version of YOU!
Okay, so I'm at the pool, right? I am trying to get fit and do my thing and mind my own. Usually the pool is super meditative for me, because basically the whole time all you think about or are mostly aware of is your breath, which I love.
After about 15 minutes, I'm in the zone, I'm swimming and minding my own business and out of nowhere comes this dude and instantly, he made me uncomfortable. He really pissed me off, and he literally wasn't even doing anything directly to me.
He was SO obnoxiously swimming his laps, with this huge dramatic jump up and then dive forward into the water before he would start each lap causing an entire wave to be sread into each lane. And I’m not sure if he thought you were supposed to, but I’ve not seen someone splash more with kicks and arm movements in my life. It was half entertaining to watch, and the other half was full blown pissing me off.
Not only was he being obnoxious, but then he was trying to pass everyone too as if they were all in his way, INCLUDING ME, and every time he passed, it was like an extra tsunami of water would be splashed on you.
So I'm sitting there and I’m like WHY DOES THIS MAKE ME SO MAD?! What about this dude is ticking me off? What is he trying to prove?!
And that's exactly it, that's when I got to look into Rachel a little too. It's exactly that, "What is he trying to prove?" WHY would someone knowingly behave so obnoxiously? Do I do this? Yes. I do, sadly.
It looks differently for me, but I do. Trying to prove yourself, trying to forcefully show everyone around you how "good" you are, how skilled or smart you are is ugly. It is.
I am consistently living in a state of trying to prove to others that I am good enough, why? Because I don't think I am, plain and simple. He obviously doesn't either, he wanted attention, he wanted to be noticed, and he, and I have both spent a lifetime sending desperate screams into the world for affirmation and belonging. For the people who tell you, "yes, you are good enough, you are kind enough and smart enough, you, just as you are, are enough for me."
That sentence is powerful too, could you imagine someone saying that to you? I dream about that, but the other incredible thing is that I don't grant myself that belonging either. I'm not sure if I have ever told myself that sentence, so if I don't think I am enough, how would anyone else? How could my desperate cry be answered if I don't think I'm enough, then I won't find any evidence in the world to prove me wrong. I will only find evidence to prove that I'm right (which I also like being ;) ).
The real question then is, how to fix this. What do I do with this new token of information? I think first, it involves accepting yourself, right? It includes being 100 with you, with your body and your mind. Then, you take this new awareness and try and nip it in the butt when you feel it coming, when you notice you're trying again.
Knowing your enough, for me, looks like letting others speak while you listen, attentively and willingly because you don't need them to know about how awesome you are. Knowing you're enough could look like dressing how you want and not worrying about what any other human thinks. It looks like loving yourself when you look in the mirror, like letting others be themselves freely too.
“You tell people when you’re good at something. But people tell you when you’re great.” -Walter Payton
I will remind myself this week that beauty, true beauty, does not ask for attention, it gets the natural attention it deserves. So go be your best, most beautiful self and see what things maybe change for you.