Vulnerability and Other Light Topics

Wow, here we are. I can’t believe that nearly 3 months have passed already. I’ve been horrible about writing lately, but I have been really busy experiencing and I think that’s more important. Daily life feels very normal now, my routine is set and it’s wonderful. I’m usually really tough on myself about waking up early and maximizing the day but lately i’ve been giving myself the space to sleep in at least a little (maybe 8:30 or 9)! Ha I have had the absolute pleasure of meeting some incredible people the last few weeks, and they’ve made it both easier (to be here) and harder (to want to leave), but I’m so glad I met them. I have done some research also into Visas, maybe for the future, so that when I want to move here, I can! It seems like it is not too tricky, but I guess time will only tell on that one! Last weekend I had such a great opportunity to go with one of my Italian friends to her hometown of Reggio Emilia (the HOME of the famous Parmigiano Reggiano) so that was incredible. She introduced me to all her friends and family, and I wanted to actually cry tears of joy at how incredibly happy and welcomed I felt being there, with all of them.

I’ve really been thinking about two things.

One is that I think it’s possible, maybe sustainable to live overseas for a while. I have been working for a company in the states remotely, and I love it. I get paid well and it gives me the freedom to work when I want and where I want, I think this coupled with one other thing is enough means to be able to work in a lot of places around the world long-term, which is super exciting and something I would love to do! That leads me to the second thing though, traveling. I think, being single and traveling is great, it’s cool to see myself push the limits of my comfort and conquer new cities without hesitance. It’s amazing to see my mind grow and my understanding of the world and cultures around me too. The hard part, is that inevitably, you meet people, and also that those people that you meet cant be in your life for very long right now. It makes me want to not meet anyone so I don’t have to say bye to anyone. I really really hate goodbyes, like a lot, I think that mostly, I haven't had very consistent or stable relationships my whole life, so I expect people to basically forget about me and just become another profile picture on my social accounts. I know that sounds so depressing but it’s really been my experience. YWAM was great, I was so “close” with all of my team and we laughed and cried together and I couldn’t imagine my life without them, and now, I haven’t talked to any of them in a long long time. I don’t know that it’s their fault or mine, but just the fact that distance changes the dynamics of relationships. It makes it hard to root down, or invest myself in any type of anything because it’s all so temporary. It tears me apart, the contradiction of wanting to go go go and live and see and equally wanting to settle down, find a cool job and make a cool group of friends etc. I guess from a longer perspective, I could understand that maybe I will live here one day, and maybe these people will be a big part of my life in the future, but now isn’t that time, and that’s ok. Who knows what life holds, right?

There’s a quote by C.S. Lewis that really captures this for me, he writes,

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

Everytime I’m feeling like I’m leaving too many pieces of my heart around the world, I think of this quote and remember that to be human is to love, and to feel. I think a big part of my “purpose” on this planet is simply to love on others, to understand others and to listen. To do that, I have to be vulnerable, to love and love and love, period. 

Anyways, I’ve been doing a lot of preparing for my upcoming trip to Thailand, researching, booking hotels and buses and water ferries! I’ve been increasingly anxious about going, but also now, more excited! Maybe ill write about why later this week!


Thanks a ton for reading as always,